“Eh, eh, ok folks, is everyone on my … Zoom meeting?  This is Brad …, your intrepid leader, ha-ha-ha, firmly at the helm, during the defining crisis of our time.  Meghan, start recording this for future generations.”

“Sure, … em, hang on, I mean I hit the button but it’s not saying anything.  This is my first time using Zoom.  I mean, as I say to my girlfriends, ‘I’m in tech, but I’m not tech.’ Right?”

“Eh, eh, everyone turn on your cameras, as your boss I need to see you looking at me, eh, eh, …, who’s NMG301?”

“Brad, this is Nance, and they’ll have to pay me a heck of a lot more than they do, for me to turn on that camera and stare at my chicken skin throat for the next sixty minutes.”

“Is that you Nancy Goldberg?”

 “Please, please, call me Nance.  This stoopid virus got my appointment at Gotham Plastic Surgery resched… .”
“Why is your name showing as NMG301?  Didn’t you take the online tutorial on how to personalize your account Nancy?”

“Nance is my name Brad, and as HR rep to the company’s smallest, and still not profitable unit, I do need to note that you shouldn’t cut people off.  That’s rule one of video conferencing … .”

“But you’re not video conferencing Nance…eee.  Please switch on your camera, just click the little TV camera icon.  I’m trying create community here.  If I can stand to look at your … .”

“Hello, hello, this is Tom, Tom Morgan.  Can you hear me Brad?  I couldn’t get all those letters and numbers and periods in my calendar to work – why do they do that?  So I just phoned in.  It’s my home phone, if this is a toll call, is it reimbursable, or do I just write it off with my taxes?  I only keep a home phone because it’s essentially free with my cabl … .”

“Tom, Godammit!  I personally spent five minutes setting up your laptop.  I don’t expect a sixty something accountant to understand how tech works, but, I’m happy to say, as a fellow sexagenarian, that I made the decision to make tech one of my areas of experti… .”

“And Zach’s!  I mean Zach’s the real tech here.  By the way we’re almost definitely recording, … maybe.  Zach messaged me how to do it.  Eloise can you type up the transcript of this call for Brad’s Defining Crisis of Our Time Log.  He’s creating a company archive, so future generations can understand how, even as thousands were being hospitalized, our App got New Yorkers handmade chocolates delivered within one hour, guaranteed!”

“No.  I don’t type.  I wuz hired to answer the phones – occasionally; book the cheapest travel known to man; set up yer never ending meetings; an’ keep Brad caffeinated.  I ain’t typing nuthin.”

“Eloise this is Nance, if it wasn’t in your job description when hired, and you have not received a promotion with new dut… .”

“That’s fine Nance, I don’t actually give a shit.  Plus, I ain’t herd a you since that whole camera in the bathroom thing – I never did get no money from that.  You know the Zoom guys gots a box ya can click that makes you look better. Between that an’ a low light, I’m savin’ a frickin’ fortune in makeup.”

“Eh, eh, let’s get going with this, as your leader, I have urgent matters to deal with.  Some customers are unwilling to pay the extra $4.99 for end-of-delivery CO…VID…19 sterilization of their packages. It’s just a Clorox wipe, but I did ensure a You…Tube video of correct wiping techniques got sent to the Ubers.  Eh, … Zach, Zach, would you mind leaning back a little from the camera, your face is filling my entire screen, and quite frankly it’s a little disconcerting.  You look like you’re in a rage.”

“Brad, that’s Zach HR head shot.  I mean, isn’t it Nancy?”

“Please, please everyone, call me Nance.  Nancy was my aunt, from Brooklyn, who made challah that tasted like Sty…ro…foam, and divorced three cantors, before she ran off with a jazz saxophonist from Jersey City.  Broke grandpa Irv’s despotic heart.”

“Eh, eh, Zach, Zach, are you there?”

“Brad, Zach doesn’t like talking … I mean, not much anyway, he messages me when you ask a question.”  

“Brad, it’s Tom again, I’m so sorry, I have to deal with Zsa-Zsa, our cat.  She’s scratching for food.  If I don’t feed her, she’ll destroy the leg of the dining room table.  I think Peggy’s soul somehow journaled into the cat when she passed.  I mean, it’s even more exhausting taking care of Zsa-Zsa than Peggy.  Thankfully Zsa-Zsa hasn’t discovered martinis at three – yet!” 

“Zach’s not talking to me?  He’s on my Crisis-of-Our-Time videoconference, and he’s not talking to me!”

“I mean Brad lots of the younger generation, like me, we don’t like to talk. I do, a lot, but they ‘thumb’ instead.”

“I taulk, an’ I’m young.  Thurty’s still young on Staten Island.”

“You’re the receptionist Eloise, I mean it’s a job requirement that you talk.”

“Well Meg-man, maybe if you unstuck yer head from Zach’s as… .”

“Brad, this is Nance.  Per HR, employees are allowed not to talk, so long as they use other effective … communication … methodologies, includ… .”

“Oh for God’s sake Nancy, what sort of HR drivel is that?  How can I possibly stay the most successful unit head in … for your sakes, I … don’t get anything extra for being the greatest you know.  It’s all for my employees.”

“Youse did go on the ‘Top Ten to Hawaii’ last year – that wuz nice, heh? ‘Member, I booked you through Vegas, cuz youse wanted to triple your bonus on the way.”
            “Eloise, that’s private …, all employees must remember they need to maintain standard business decorum throughout this trying time… .”

“Brad I’m back, Peg…, Zsa-Zsa just wanted to pee.  Her litter box is in the downstairs bathroom, well it’s really just an old orange crate with shredded Wall Street Journals.  I don’t find it fiscally responsible to recycle until everything is fully utilize… .”

“Tom, don’t tell me you recycle newsprint after the cat …, I mean, hang on, Zach is typing …, he says, … .”

“Eh, eh, please Meghan, I need to get back to my Zooming.  Now the Upper East Side is holding, but everywhere else my chocolatiers ar … .” 

“He says: That’s not just disgusting Tom, but it’s also a violation of Board of Health regs in sixty one of the sixty two counties in New York.  Zach says you should move to Sullivan County if you want to … .”

“MEGHAN! I said I need to get back to my business.”

“Brad, this is Nance.  You can’t yell at people.  You, as the supervisor, are totally within your rights to suggest reasonable … communication … methodology … improvements, but raising your voice above … eighty decibels … is not acceptable per Corporate’s ‘It Takes a Village’ policy.”

“Well every village has an id…, I need to get back to … .”
            “Does that include regular meetings?”

“Sorry?  This is Nance.  Who’s talking?”

“Zach.”

“Oh Zach, nice to meet you, this is Brad, the guy who hired you when Google found you ‘too quirky’ to work with.  So glad you summoned up the decency to use my unit’s preferred communication … methodology.”

“Zach, this is Nance, and to answer your question.  From a HR perspective, of course Brad has his rights as a supervisor, and you have your ri… .”

“It’s ok Nancy, Zach just messaged ‘HR sucks.’”

“Oh well, of course as an employee, Zach is entitle… .”

“With this sort of behavior, how can I … possibly generate the esprit de corps necessary to ensure New Yorkers can get gourmet chocolates delivered to them during the defining crisis of our time – within one hour, guaranteed!”

“What the hell’s spree-de-core?  One of ours new choc-lates?”